Losing Somone You’ve Never Met

A message from Joan Souders, CGE, grief support specialist

It is possible to grieve the loss of someone you have never met.

Recently, I sat with a gentleman who, years ago, was one of the young people in my youth group. He had just learned that his biological father passed away. 

He grew up knowing that his mother’s husband was not his birth father. However, he and his stepdad have a good relationship. He shared how sad he was that he had never met his birth father. Now, he was grieving someone he had never been able to meet. He shared his feelings and thoughts about being angry that his mother never gave him an opportunity to know his birth father.

Sitting and listening, I realized he was no longer the young person who had been in the youth group. He was now a husband and father and employed in middle management. As his youth leader, I feared he might get involved with the wrong crowd. But this young man turned his life completely around. His attitude was that of a mature man. With the passing of his mother and being the oldest of her children, he took responsibility for his disabled brother.

I asked if he had ever heard the story of how his mother influenced a young mother not to take her own life. I told him the whole story and how, because of her care and compassion, this lady is still living and has raised three children. He teared up and thanked me. His feelings of anger became feelings of gratitude.

Why do I share this story? Because too often in our grief, we focus on the negative. The anger boils, and yet when we share our pain, express our feelings, and have a listening ear our attitudes and feelings can change.   

Even though he deeply loved and appreciated his mother and stepdad, he never realized his mother’s influence on other people in her life.

Grief can bring positive outcomes. This gentleman learned he has half-sisters and half-brothers who want to connect with him.

“Thank you. Now, I can meet them without the anger and bitterness I was feeling, maybe just a little apprehension!” These were his final words to me as we departed.

Do you want to speak to someone about your grief?

Processing your story and journey in a supportive environment can be healing. Connect with a Heartlinks grief counselor by calling (509) 837-1676.

Heartlinks’ grief support groups provide a safe place to share one’s emotions with others who are also grieving. They are a great place to learn from others’ experiences. RSVP is not required. Visit our Grief Support page to learn more about upcoming groups in your area.